Fear, hunger and desperation: Walk me through the steps – how did I learn to hear you?

Walk me through this please… tell me what I’ve done to get here?

Get where?

You know what I mean, here, this place, and how come I can hear you this clearly?

I beg your pardon, you’re always saying it’s hard to hear me.

Ok, true, but times like today when I’m not doubting, I can hear you crystal clear. How did that happen – makes me wonder where you were all those years when I was making such a hash of my life!

I’ve been here all along, but I’ll outline the steps for you. There were only six.

Six, sounds very specific?

Yes, just six, and I am almost always specific if you want to hear at that level;

STEP ONE: Pain kicked down the front door of your life — a pain you had invited in yourself.

STEP TWO: You screamed out to me like almost every human does…

Then how come your answer was so clear, pain makes millions scream out to you, but they claim they don’t hear you this clearly.

Actually they do. Everyone does. 

Sorry, God, but that’s not true.

It is, believe me, everyone hears equally clearly. Most just don’t realise it’s me. They think it’s their own wishful thinking.

Then how come I didn’t think that – how come I could tell it was you back then?

Because you were more afraid than most.

That’s not very nice, makes me seem a coward?

Cowardliness has nothing to do with it. You’d hit rock bottom. Finally. You were aware that you had nothing left, no way to get yourself out of the mess you were in. You’d lost all control over the things most important to you. You could see there was no way out, the pain and the fear were too great. Life had pretended to you that you could survive any situation, but life had lied, and finally you could see that.

For once in your life you had no choice but to listen. Your resistance and your cynicism, a natural thing with adult males, were no match for your fear and dismay. The lines between the two of us were re-opened.

Re-opened?

As open as they were when you were a child. There were three more steps though; 

STEP 3: When you heard me you doubted just as any human would.

So, if I doubted how come I don’t anymore?

You do! You doubt all the time. The doubt lead to the last three of the six steps that brought you here; 

STEP FOUR: Doubt, the one who opposes belief saw his opportunity and stood against you.

STEP FIVE: Humans, some well-meaning, some not tried to stand between us too – tried to convince you that you weren’t hearing me.

STEP SIX: That opposition threw you hard against the wall and as I knew you would, you came out fighting.

Came out fighting?? Didn’t seem like that to me, felt like despair, like I was dying inside. Every day was a constant struggle to stay sane.

Exactly, a fight to the death, a fight to keep your sanity. The doubt was so powerful that you had no choice. You came out punching, desperate and wild, kicking. You were a mess, looked as though you’d lose, but he’d overplayed his hand, pushed you too hard, forgotten that in such a fight there is only one winner. You were desperate enough for the winner to be you. 

Sounds gallant, but it wasn’t. I was terrified.

Yes; terrified and desperate. So you screamed and shouted and turned all your anger on me. You demanded that I speak, demanded that I make myself clear. Again and again. Day in, day out. You were so desperate for it to be me, so lost if it wasn’t, that you pushed and punched and screamed and fought with me. You demanded that I speak, demanded that I clarify myself. And so, in that lost place, all the other noise faded and you heard me.

Not always.

No, but enough to know that it might be, could be, me. You pushed hope to the limit and kept coming back, again and again to see if it was me, and finally you realised that it was. Or might be. 

That’s it. Just those six steps?

For you yes. Not everyone is the same, but those six steps are a good road map for most. Desperation and hunger are required for success in most endeavours, including hearing my voice as clearly as you would hear a friend.

Ok, what about sinfulness, I’m up to my eyeballs in bad attitudes, I swear like a trooper, I think nasty things about people who cross me. You name it, God, I’m no angel.

That has nothing to do with it. Name me anyone in history who heard me clearly who was squeaky clean. Often, the clearer they heard, the more messed up they were.

Nice. Makes me feel a bit crazy.

Don’t mention it. :)